


If You Can,Forget.

by kanethecoconut



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bittersweet, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Relationships, M/M, POV Saihara Shuichi, Post-Canon, Reminiscing, Sad Saihara Shuichi, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:13:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27199018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanethecoconut/pseuds/kanethecoconut
Summary: It's almost Christmas,and all Shuichi wants is to be with Rantaro.Or:Sadness,just sadness.
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	If You Can,Forget.

_ I am as silent as death. Do this: Go to your bedroom. Your nice, safe, warm bedroom that is not a glass coffin behind a morgue door. Lie down on your bed not made of ice. Stick your fingers in your ears. Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. Because what if I am dead? How can someone without a beating heart, without breathing lungs live like I do? I must be dead. And this is my greatest fear: After 301 years, when they pull my glass coffin from this morgue, and they let my body thaw like chicken meat on the kitchen counter, I will be just like I am now. I will spend all of eternity trapped in my dead body. There is nothing beyond this. I will be locked within myself forever. And I want to scream. I want to throw open my eyes wake up and not be alone with myself anymore, but I can't. I can't. _

  * _Beth Revis, Across the Universe (Across the Universe, #1)_



Christmas was a really beautiful holiday when you were a child. When you are a child,you cannot wait for Christmas and always babble about how you can't wait to see your gift this year from a mysterious man that comes at Midnight and leaves a present behind for a good child. When you wake up and see the present neatly set underneath the Christmas tree,you are overcome with joy as you unpack the gift you've wanted. It may be a toy,a book,a game or something else materistical that you've been wishing for quite a while. It's easy to make a child happy when It's still young,when It doesn't know the bad things that are hidden in the real world such as greed.

But when you are an adult,a grown person,you wish for more things that you couldn't even imagine as a child. A child is a naive being,and their whole world revolves around their parents and fun. They don't know many things and they are kept safe from trouble until they hit puberty.

Adults wish for things a young person,a child couldn't even think of,such as money,successfulness,alcohol,love and other things. Adults are  _ greedy monsters _ that saw too much in the real world and they grew used to wanting things and doing things their way.

As for Shuichi,he wouldn't call himself an adult yet. Yes,he was finished with puberty but there were so many things he needed to do to be considered an adult. At least, that is what his uncle says. 

He graduated from Hope's Peak Academy two years ago,and after that,his life turned dull. His uncle said with a sympathetic expression that it is all a part of life,that when a period of life ends,a new period begins and so on. But that shouldn't mean that his life should be void of happiness and things like that,right?

Right. Just because he doesn't go to high school anymore,doesn't spend time with Kaito,Maki and Kaede,doesn't mean that his life should stop now and that it shouldn't be filled with happy moments. He's now in University and he has things to do,if he wants to do anything with his life,of course.

He still hears from Kaito and...well from Kaede sometimes. Even if they don't go to the same Universities,they still find time to check-up on each other every weekend,albeit it be by facetiming or texting each other.

He goes to University with few of his classmates,though. Kokichi Ouma is one of them and Maki. Although their schedules are different,Kokichi always finds time to bother and pull pranks and mind games on Shuichi. Though Maki is always there to tell him away.

Not that he spends much time with Maki,too. She has a part-time job besides attending college,and she needs to have time to herself after she's done with the day. Shuichi wouldn't like to occupy her freetime.

But now,It's Christmas. A holiday that so many children adore,and so many adults hate. Though not all adults hate Christmas,they just don't see the world the same way they saw when they were children,and yeah,Shuichi can understand that,too.

Back when he was a kid when his parents were still present in his life,he wished for toys from his favourite cartoons or merch from Superhero movies. After his parents left him to go chase their dreams in America,he wished he could at least spend a day with them,acting like they always wanted like a cute little family. Sometimes he wished they didn't leave him and he remembers one time asking his uncle if he could wish for something to come back and all he was greeted was a sad smile and a little ' _ I don't think so,Shuichi.' _ He must've known.

Now that Shuichi thinks a little harder,he isn't that different in that aspect. When he was little,he wished for his parents to come back from America,to just stop with all that carefreeness and come to their  _ child _ ,which they left to pursue a dream that should've stayed a dream. 

But now,all he wants is for Rantaro to come back home,to him.

  
  


He remembers meeting Rantaro Amami,a boy that had green hair and green vivid eyes that trashed his whole world on the first day of highschool. He was hiding behind Kaede,who was his best friend from middle school,and when they were entering the classroom,he came eye to an eye with the most beautiful person he ever saw.

He may have been exaggerating a little,but Rantaro's beauty was no joke. He had a different kind of beauty,not the one that Johnny Depp or Merilyn Monroe had.(His parents always forced him to watch movies with them and maybe that's where that dream came from.) No,his beauty was something quite different. His eyes were soft and his face relaxed,and he looked effortlessly charming. And his  _ voice _ ,something that was probably made in Heaven if there was any. The way he looked at Shuichi with surprise when he bumped into him before he entered the classroom and then a smile, _ that damned smile _ that made Shuichi tok flustered to function normally.

He asked Shuichi that day if he was okay,and after the class and introduction began,he sat behind Shuichi.

Everything after that continued. Shuichi remembered the days when the teacher didn't come to class and when Rantaro would poke him until he turned around,face flushed and gaze on his hands. He remembered when Rantaro would just talk about stupid things or ask him about how he was,where's he going for lunch since he never saw him in dining hall or cafeteria.

He remembers after the first time Rantaro went to travel,a month after school began. He was gone for one week and Shuichi felt so distracted the whole time. It felt like something was taken away from him(Like he feels now). After Rantaro came back,they exchanged numbers,and surprisingly it was Rantaro who initiated that. After that,whenever Rantaro travelled,he would message Shuichi daily and ask him about how his day was. And all that stupid talk,too.

(But oh how he misses it. The chit-chat Rantaro always liked about the themes that he found amusing at the time.)

He remembers all the little things Rantaro did through their highschool days,and to think Rantaro still left still hurts him.

It was in their second year when Rantaro spoke to him about his missing sisters,and how he was travelling to find them. He remembers vividly to this day when Rantaro's eyes glistened with tears when Shuichi encouraged him to continue but to be carefull. He remembers the grateful smile Rantaro gave him before he kissed him on the lips the first time.

The second time they kissed was a month later,when Rantaro came back from his travels with an injury. 

The third time,it was when they were doing a school project.

The fourth time,on the winter break when they had their first date.

The fifth,the sixth,the seventh…Shuichi can recall them all.

It was then when a hand grabbed him by his head and pulled him up. He saw Maki glaring at him,telling him she was calling him for so long now,but when she saw his expression,her face softened a little.

Before he could apologise,she took a seat next to him and looked ahead at the room that was shining with the lamps and decorations for Christmas.

'You're still thinking about him,even now when it's Christmas?' she asked softly,which was out of character from her,but he didn't want to stay there.

'I always think about him,but you know Christmas with him was always special to me. It's the time of the year I think the most about him.' he answered truthfully since he knew Maki could see right through his lie. He wasn't Kokichi,after all.

He could see her looking at him before standing up again,motioning him to come with her to the Christmas tree. He was filled with dread,but still chose to follow her.

It wasn't in the center of the room,it was closer to the corner and the windows where the couches were. Still,he felt his stomach swirl and fill with butterflies when he stepped closer to it. It was beautiful,truly. If Shuichi was a child,he would've wanted to climb it. It was filled with all the rainbow's colors,and even with gold and silver. The lamps were circling the tree and they faded into other colors.

'It's really pretty,Kokichi must've spent a good amount of time decorating it…' he whispered and observed it closer. It was truly a sight.

'Yeah he did. Although he was almost constantly whining about you being an emo in the corner but still did nothing and continued to do his work. I'm surprised he didn't drag you out of the corner himself and force you to do his job.' She jabbed him a little into the ribs,enough to make him jump a little.

He shrugged and looked out of the window.

It was snowing. He almost wanted to go outside and take a walk but It wasn't a smart decision since It was really cold,snowing and it was night. But if he did,he knew no one would stop him. Rantaro was usually who did that. And he was. Gone.

He turned to look through the window and before Maki left him alone,she whispered darkly something to him. 'Come to Kokichi's room after you do things you want,he said he had something to share with us and I don't want to be alone with him or I'll choke him.' 

He chuckled and waved her off before getting his phone while looking out of the windows. He unlocked it and almost immediately dialed the number that was saved first in his list of contacts.

'...' He could hear the sound of telephone ringing on his own while he waited,and the more he waited the more anxious he became.

'...Beep! This is Amami Rantaro! If you're hearing this,I'm probably not available at the moment,please leave the-' he muted out his voice,and waited for the part when he should leave the voice message.

'Hey...Do you know It's snowing? Do you know...That the streets are covered with snow?' he questioned,feeling a little lightheaded as he continued to stare into the distance.

He took a gulp of air before 'And I...I wish you were here...I wish you would just show up,at-at least for the New Year.' he was stuttering now,feeling like a fool for doing this.  _ What good could it do for me? _

The snow was now falling harder,street lights only visible for Shuichi.

'It-It seems to me that for almost a thousand years,you haven't called me.'  _ What good could it do for me? It could get things off my chest.  _

'Hey Rantaro...Midnight is near,and because of that my heart is breaking because I know...I know that tonight I will be alone. In vain,I try in vain.' Something hot slided on his cheeks and he couldn't even hide how breathless he was feeling. It was growing in his chest,something akin to pain. It was making him choke on his words and wish he never met Rantaro. And for what?

'I would be repeating my words so I just...I just wanted you to let you know that,I'm good? Even-Even when I-I have to wake up, _ without you _ .' He cracked out,bringing his fist to wipe the tears that were sliding down his cheeks. He looked at himself in the window,seeing his pitiful state while he smiled sadly.

'I hope everything's good for you. I don't know why I did this,or why you left me without even saying a goodbye,you know,It would've helped me a lot if you just gave me a reason and a proper goodbye. It isn't-ah,a really nice feeling when you hear your boyfriend's gone missing. And you-you've been denying all my calls for almost two years. I don't know why you're ignoring me,but-but It-It-It-ITITIT ISN'T FAIR! WH-why,why couldn't you just give me a goodbye,or let me down slowly?! Was I-Was I really that terrible boyfriend to you? Did I...Didn't I deserve a goodbye?' 

With a shaking hands,he brushed the remaining tears off before smiling at his reflections,albeit his smile didn't reach his eyes. It never will.

'...I don't know what I'm even saying,anymore… You don't have an explanation about why you did this,or at least a good one,I know it… I'm sad we ended up like this. We had so much more potential and if only...If only you  _ tried  _ to communicate as I did...Maybe...But no. It would've been better...If we never got together,yes? I mean,you wouldn't have felt awful about leaving to God knows where and I-...I wouldn't be left here alone.'

He heard a sound from the doors opposite of him,and saw Kokichi looking at him with a serious expression,before motioning him to get done with all of this. Maybe he should...maybe he should do this for ever. If Rantaro didn't have guts or whatever his reason was to do this,Shuichi should do this.

He waved at Kokichi and after he left,he continued where he left off. He gulped before pressing the phone closer to his mouth. 

'And because of that...I will do this. Because you didn't. Let's break up.' When he expected to hear Rantaro from the other line,he remembered he wasn't there. Who knows if he would hear this message at all,but still,Shuichi thinks it should be done. For his good. For Rantaro's good.

He laughed absurdly at the quietness before stopping and gathering his thoughts and emotions. 'I really expected you to answer...huh? But it doesn't matter. I'm sure you've found someone else after all this time,and hearing this from me won't change anything to you,but I need to do this.'

'Our relationship was something precious to me,and for you to just leave me…? I loved you,I loved you so much and you couldn't just tell me? I would've understood,Rantaro. After all,everybody leaves and you are no different in that category. It almost makes me think you wanted to forget me. To leave without a trace and forget I even existed. But I don't think it's that simple,I'm sure guilt was eating you away.'

He took an inhale before planning to finish the voice message. This was his final goodbye to Rantaro.

'So If you think you can,forget me. I love you...Take care.' and  _ beep. The message has been received. _ And just like that,he broke.

  
  


It wasn't like he wasn't aware of Rantaro missing through two years since he has been left without him,It's just it felt like he would always come back home,in any moment. It felt like he was on a road trip and that they were long distance,but it rarely felt like they broke up.  _ Which they didn't,but they should've. _

It reminds him of the feeling when his parents left him. He was always waiting for them,looking out of the window and not sleeping until odd hours,just...just trying to see if they will show up at all. He was aware he was being naive when he was a child,but it was deeply buried in his brain. Hope was a dangerous thing.

He muted his phone and placed it back into his pocket before he left to join Kokichi and others in another room,and saw them smiling(except Maki,she looked like she would kill Kokichi in any given moment) and talking about something Shuichi couldn't care less. Kokichi saw him and jumped at him,talking about some prank he pulled on Miu by giving her a gift earlier when she visited. He laughed,but in reality,his mind and thoughts were farer than any could guess. 

Shuichi saw that Maki was looking at him in the corner of his eyes when Kokichi asked him if he was crying. He just shook his head and sat down at the table and brought food to his mouth.

Ah,It tasted bitterly. He gulped down what he brought to his mouth and looked out of the other,but bigger window that was far away from him,on the other side of the room.

He was still a kid,in his heart,but one thing has changed now. He doesn't dream of being with his parents and travelling to America with them. Instead,he dreams of a person with green hair and green eyes that made his heart shatter.

He dreams about being able to kiss him and call him his,to be able to spend time with him like he always would.

But he was just being naive.

And If he looked down at his phone,he could've seen the message from that special person.


End file.
